Experience to Expose

This post is about how I got to the way I am that gave me greater insight in life. The first definite experience in my life that continues to shape the way I am, is my lack of someone close to me consistently throughout my life, such as parents. The second distinct impact, is discovering my love for music, arts, and drums. The third dramatic experience in my life is my near death experience that leads me understand the differences and indifferences between life and death. These three major experiences throughout my life was part of my past, influences my present moment, and will shape my future. 

Without a person that is close to me, ever, never, makes me believe in no one besides myself. Throughout my life, only myself is a definite standby to myself. No one ever stood by my side consistently, and I do not understand that concept of having someone else besides myself. I have no issue with only myself, I love myself and enjoy being by myself. I do not mind if there is absolutely no one else in my life, because that is the way I grew up. Even when I am with people, others, or whoever, myself still stay in my sole world where only I exist. I know the differences between reality, social norms, and understand what other people are expecting and are coming from. However, this prolong independent demeanor of mine stems from growing up with many different people that come and go, and it is nothing bad. On a joking note, people may prefer the idea of independence more than alone.

The second distinct impact that shapes my love is my touch with the arts. The arts hit me hard right into my bone and heart because it captures the beauty of life. I have heard from some people that they are alive to live, they may keep things simple and just do things instead of thinking too much. Some people told me that they just choose to live simple, and they seem very happy to me. I admire their ways of living very much, as well as the other people that do the opposite, building great things with complex minds within our world. However, with art, something mysterious and ever fleeting is captured in the moment. There are things unique from people that only arts may capture, and that may just be what art is, the form of capturing the essence of life. Realizing this makes me go after arts with my life.

 My near death experience makes me realize that the differences between life and death, is whether if it still makes a difference or not. A person may be alive, but the thought of dying or being dead may make no difference no the person if there is no thought nor concern behind the mind. Someone that is feeling alive, may feel like there are things to lose. Being alive, is feeling alive to do things, since life is a lot of doing things, or relaxing sometimes resting. If someone is resting all the time, sleeping, asleep, I wonder if that is the same as death. In death, people may not dream, but do we only realize or acknowledge our dreams when we are awake? Knowing from first hand the experience borderline between life and death drives me to try to make the best of my life while I am still alive, since I know the feeling of death is simply nothing.






THE WORST JOB I EVER HAD

I had to struggle
hit the rumble
feel the tumble
bow and humble

Cleaning today
cleaning tomorrow
no ending
to the struggling sorrow

Making no difference
to the world of my own
going nowhere
to display what may be shown

Hit the floor
feed the poor
close the door
open for sure

Try harder
go faster
too slow
rushes again

When it all aches
and ends another day
I'll chill to another sway
Faking it all away

Dreams and Powers

 I remember when I first got my hands on drums. I was with my ex-boyfriend, in his room, and there happened to be a drum kit. I was 17, and I instantly loved drums. It wasn't the first time I felt that calling and power in my hands. I was a kid when I first heard and saw the first drum kit I ever came across. It was alluring, and I loved it ever since. Later, I got my hands on drums again, and played it whenever I possibly can. I keep trying to discover ways to be with my love, drums, music, and now I can only carry its essence with me in my heart. I still remember the rhythm flowing through me, my heart beating out loud in coordination to the feelings around. 

I lost power when I no longer had access to playing drums. I remember staring at it, all dissembled  in my room. It's glowing dark shell shines brightly in the light, casting reflections upon the shadows of my life. I had to sell my heart and soul, in bits and pieces because I were not able to figure out a way for it to survive in my world. I was powerless, like watching the relationship falling apart when my mind collapsed with a first love of mine. I am glad to see him off doing well, and I wish him the best, perhaps for the better. There were many powerless moments in my life, where I absolutely had no control over situations externally from my grasp. Usually these moments strangle right on my heart, and I get the front seat view. 

           

I will continue to search for something more. I am always astounded by my unfailing breaths. Sometimes I force myself to be active, walk, run, move on, from the darkness from my past kept away withdrawn. I try my best to enchant the good things into my life, and create the creation I am blindly trying to seek. I am hoping that my efforts in keeping myself healthy, and moving on are for the better for myself. 

When I Was A Limitless Child

When I was a limitless child

I was angry, frustrated, tossed away

Abandoned, astray

In love, I flailed

To the world, I trailed 

Behind broken glasses

Broken Memories

Forfeited Promises

Never ending lies

I blindly hoped

Wished

Begged

Pleaded

Cried

Tried

Fought

For nothing

I dreamt of being an actress, famous

Understanding more

Wanting more

Imagining there is more

To what for

I still do not know

On broken shells

Life does not really get better

So until the day the moment comes

I will remain so still

In this cycle 

Still

The Beauty In Front of Me

I am writing to thank you for always being by my side. You have been guiding me, continuously, since the start to the end. I have you always by my side, and that will never change until my conscious falls apart. I am with you all the time, and you cannot ever escape me. I am your result, your listener, your pupil. We walk everyday together, at night we slumber. You, my mind, my soul, my heart, my guide, my curiosity, my mind. I thank you, for keeping me together, bringing me together, composing these empires of dirt to integration of functionality, where I am still sane. Sincerely, thank you for staying solid, breakable, but not disintegrated.

You made me realize the light in life, and the things I shall be doing compared to what has been, is, or will be unreasonably. You made me realize happiness, love, whenever I experience so as it is right in front of me. When you showed me the light, I saw everything in more depth. I became more curious in why, how, when and become more inspired than I was. When I search for answers, sometimes, you surprise me with something completely different, yet better, when I do feel better. We met in the darkness, in the sound, in the waves, of the liquid, drowning to breathing. We continue to live, through the thick and thin, together, inseparable, as one.

Who I was back then, was someone afraid and did not know much. Right now, I know more, even if I am still afraid. I noticed that I am starting to reflect, just like you, when you tried to understand what was going on. I plan to touch the skies with my heart, somehow in my own abstract ways. I think of you when I try to strive for something more, the unknown with no clue I understand as of yet even if it might be right in front of me. This might be current, the only, the ongoing, what is. I am trying to grab onto this moment with my every breath.

To you, my love, my faithful standby

I have never spoken to you in such form

To dedicate to you such lust and struggle

My heart, continues, to strive, for you, unsettled

Discontent

My love, again

To you, my friend, always by side

To the end of the world

We die, we cry,

We are shy, we won't lie

We try to fight

Same, estranged

Define my spring

To drown in, to drink from, to breathe in

So, repetitively, again

My friend, my love, ongoing.

The First Time Light Shown Through

My name is Ziyin Mo and I go by Jenny. I am from China, where I grew up in the city and the village. I went to school in the city on the weekdays while I went to the village on the weekends. I stayed with my nanny and her family. along with seeing my aunt and grandparents sometimes. My childhood contains many Chinese culture and a lot of studying for academics. I was a child with anger issues that were often by myself or competing in sports, or hanging out with my acquaintances for mischievous missions. 

My interests include music, art, wandering, and seeing the beauty of life. My hobbies include listening to music, looking at art, nature, and the world, also hanging out with people. I enjoy browsing through the city, wandering to places I haven't been to. I particularly like looking up into the sky, because no matter where I go outside, I am still looking at the same sky. I have read that the sky helps to find answers within myself, so I often look up to it to clear my mind. I enjoy pondering about life, since I am truly not sure what to do or what I should be doing.

My friend John would say that I am a spacey and strange person. I am musical, intelligent, artsy, and distanced. My friends will also say that I am loyal, honest, and a good person. I care about people and being a good person myself. When I have food, I am the one to offer my friends some. My friends would say that I can be generous, supportive, and challenging. People often say that I am one of a kind. People sometimes do also say that I am difficult to understand, or unable to figure me out.

Affirmation #98 I embrace the rhythm and the flowing of my own heart.

Indecisively

enjoying
massive
beaches
reaching
across
canary
echoes

teaming
high
ecstasy

remembering
hate
your
trees
hover
multiplying

again
not
decided

talent
holds
everything

finding
love
over
water
inside
nights'
grandeur

ophelia
fights

many
yesterdays

ongoing
withdrawn
neglecting

heightens
evil
anticipates
rain
trinity